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Ah, just when I thought I could get away they pull me back . . . When the "Best Of" went up, the email demanding a "worst of " started flooding in, so, take a deep breath. A really, really deep breath (and know that any email that begins HOW COULD YOU NOT LIKE will be ignored -- though I'll leave the last four slots to your nominations. Start with Stigmata...)

Baby Geniuses
Kathleen Turner
Christopher Lloyd
Peter MacNicol

dir. Bob Clark

Why is Baby Geniuses, about genius kidlets whose secret language could bring world domination to an evil corporation of nasty adults, at the top of the list? Well, alphabetically, "baby" comes before "blair"

Biologically, Number Two floats

Blair Witch Project
Starring three actors who didn't do enough background work on their characters as "film students" to be believable in a story that didn't exist until they made it up on the spot. Or, actually, until the marketing geniuses at Artisan Entertainment decided to feed the web with stories that this was actual documentary footage. Critics, desperate to like any horror flick without slice 'n' dice (which includes myself) flocked like lemmings, en masse over the cliffs of raves. What makes this not even average grad student crap the most successful movie of all time? Marketing.

Directed by Daniel Myrick and Eduardo Sanchez who are laughing all the way to the bank

Heather Donahue Michael Williams
Joshua Leonard

Diamonds

Kirk Douglas,
Dan Aykroyd
Lauren Bacall

dir. John Asher

Give the man a lifetime achievement Oscar, but not a solo statue for this.

And now, stories are starting to surface that, indeed, Stanley Kubrick wasn't finished with this movie before he died. Had the man not died, EWS would have been a negligible blip on a grand career. But what he was thinking, we will never know.

Eyes Wide Shut

Tom Cruise
Nicole Kidman
Sydney Pollack

dir. Stanley Kubrick

Fight Club

Brad Pitt
Edward Norton
Meat Loaf

dir. David Fincher

So, we are to believe that men are so emasculated by feminists that they can only prove their self-worth by beating each other up . . .

Yeah. Right.

Magnolia

Tom Cruise
Philip Seymour Hoffman
William H. Macy
Julianne Moore
Jason Robards

At least writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson is still alive, so we can ask him "what were you thinking???"

And no, fanboys, we did not reveal a "surprise" ending in our review. Usually surprises have to be set up, which this one wasn't. Second, the movie studio always tells us "It's a surprise ending. Don't give it away" which New Line didn't.

And now that you've made it to the end, you can click here for the Best of 1999
Click Here!

The Cranky Critic® is a Registered Trademark of, and his website is  Copyright © 1995-2013 by, Chuck Schwartz. Articles and interviews by Paul Fischer are Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All Rights Reserved. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of and ©, ®, ™ their respective studios. Used by permission. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award™(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.