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CrankyCritic® movie reviews varsityblues.jpg (6654 bytes)

Varsity Blues

Starring James Van Der Beek, Jon Voight and Paul Walker
Screenplay by W. Peter Iliff
Directed by Brian Robbins
Website: www.varsitybluesmovie.com

IN SHORT: This thing rocks!

To the guys that read this column: You know how you suffer and moan and groan when your girlfriend insists you take them to some Godawful chick flick that requires at least a pound of Kleenex and two hours of time that could be better spent watching [insert favorite sport here]? Well, it's payback time!

To the ladies that read this column: Don't tell your boyfriends, but Cranky sat through Varsity Blues dead center in a crowd of single GenX femmes and can report that, from their reactions, all were as happy as clams that escaped the sauce.

It had nothing to do with Cranky sitting dead center in the middle, though. Damn.

It had everything to do with some great looking guys starring in an absolutely rip roarin whupass fine time of a flick called Varsity Blues. The guys have plenty of fine females to look at as well, and the story is not moronic, so load up on the super sized extra large popcorn and prepare to rock.

Varsity Blues takes no prisoners in its nonstop efforts to amuse and entertain. Set in a small Texas town where nothing is as important as high school football, it takes bits and pieces of the gross out Animal House kind of humor and wraps them around a story of the only kid in town with his head screwed on straight.

That would be Jonathan Moxon (James Van Der Beek), second string quarterback, who sneak reads Kurt Vonnegut while warming the bench. Jon's little brother Kyle is a religious psycho, which starts out funny and only gets funnier. Jon's dad played high school football, too, and wallows in nostalgia. Both father and son are/were coached by the same man, the 35 year veteran and 22 time division title winning Bud Kilmer (Jon Voight) who is worshipped by the town. His single minded devotion to WINNING THE GAME AT ANY COST, including the crippling of his players, is what will set him against Moxon and lead to the inevitable climactic confrontation at the Big Game.

On your way there, you enjoy the adulation and fall of first string QB Lance Harbor (Paul Walker), his cheerleader girlfriend Darcy (Ali Larter, who looks damn fine in a tight red dress) and an absolute zipcode of a guard named Billy Bob (Ron Lester) who has to be seen to be believed. There's a lot more packed into the package directed by Brian Robbins, the man who helmed the strictly for kidlets Good Burger a couple of years back. This time out, it's strictly legal teen plus humor (the flick is R rated) and it's a blast.

Yep, another flick in which the teenkids are smarter than the grownups. Worked for Cranky.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Varsity Blues, he would have paid . . .

$7.00

Silly and sexy and stupid and a great popcorn flick. Varsity Blues was more fun than I expected

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The Cranky Critic® is a Registered Trademark of, and his website is  Copyright © 1995-2008 by, Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, T their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy AwardT(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

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The Cranky Critic® is a Registered Trademark of, and his website is  Copyright © 1995  -  2013 by Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer are Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.