Archives: A
- E F - N O
- Z Posters Message
Boards
Who
We Are and Why We Do What We Do
BLU-RAY DVDs:
Batman Begins
Black Hawk Down
Blade Runner
Casino Royale
Dark Knight
Fifth Element
Incredible HULK
Independence Day
Iron Man
Kill Bill 1 & 2
Rambo box set
Silence of the Lambs
Sin City
Terminator
Terminator 2
Top Gun
Total Recall
300
Ultimate Matrix coll
Twilight
Underworld
Watchmen (dir cut)
Wonder Woman
X-Men Trilogy
X-Men Wolverine
BLU-Ray for family DVDs
Bolt
A Bug's Life
Cars
Chronicles of Narnia set
Harry Potter years 1-5
Ice Age/Alvin + chipmunks set
The Incredibles
Juno
Kung Fu Panda
Monsters Inc
Pinocchio
Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy
Pixar short films
Ratatouille
Sleeping Beauty
Spiderwick Chronicles
Sleeping Beauty
Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
Star Trek motion pictures set
Star Wars Prequel Trilogy (1-3)
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Transformers SE
Wall-E SE
We're Kidlet Safe
Search engine
by FreeFind
click to search site
Now in Release:
American Violet
An American Affair
Brothers Bloom
Cadillac Records
Cheri
The Cake Eaters
Coraline
Dance Flick
Drag Me to Hell
Easy Virtue
Fast & Furious
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Hannah Montana
The Hangover
Inkheart
The International
I Love You, Man
Is Anybody There?
The Last House on the Left
Lymelife
Management
New in Town
Night at the Museum
The Proposal
Star Trek
Sunshine Cleaning
The Uninvited
Taken
Two Lovers
Up
Watchmen
Whatever Works
X-Men Wolverine
Year One
DVDs on Sale:
An American in Paris
Batman
Begins
Blade
Runner
The Dark Knight
Day the Earth Stood Still
Forrest
Gump
Gone
With the Wind
Alfred Hitchcock set
Incredible Hulk SE
Indiana
Jones trilogy
Iron Man SE
Lord
of Rings 12 discs
Mamma Mia! SE
Marx Bros set
Ultimate
Matrix set
Milk
Monty
Python - Holy Grail
Role Models
Sin City
South
Park Movie
Twilight
Vicky Cristina Barcelona
Watchmen
Watchmen: Black Freighter
Wonder Woman
X-Men Trilogy
Yes Man
Zack & Miri make a Porno
DisneyPixar & family DVDs Looney
Toons
Alice
in Wonderland
Bambi
Beauty
and the Beast
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Bolt
Cinderella
Coraline
E.T.
Harry
Potter yrs 1-4 set
Harry
Potter Order of Phoenix
Kung Fu Panda
The
Lion King
Mary
Poppins 40th LE
Pinocchio
Ratatouille
Shrek Trilogy
Simpsons Movie
Spider-Man Trilogy
Star Trek movies set
Star
Trek TOS (TV)
ST:TNG complete tv set
Star Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star
Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Wall-E SE
Golden Age DVD
Volume
1
Volume
2
Volume
3
Volume 4
Volume 5
Volume 6
Rocky & Bullwinkle DVD
Season
1
Season
2
Season
3
Popeye the Sailor DVD
v.1 1933 - 1938
v.2 1938 - 1940
v.3 1941 - 1943
75th anniversary coll.ed.
 click for full sized poster |
Magnolia Starring
Jeremy Blackman, Tom Cruise, Melinda Dillon, Philip Baker Hall,
Philip Seymour Hoffman, Ricky Jay, William H. Macy, Alfred Molina,
Julianne Moore, John C. Reilly, Jason Robards and Melora Waters
|
IN SHORT: Incomprehensible. Rated [R], 195 minutes
A couple of months ago, Cranky got an email from someone working on the set of writer/director Paul Thomas Anderson's Magnolia. He warned me that this flick was a disaster of momentous proportions but the very wording of his message made it sound like he had a bone to pick, so we ignored it. Then a critics group pronounced it one of the best of the year. We, who had seen promise in Hard 8 and had enjoyed Boogie Nights, settled into the comfy seats of a screening room -- this thing is over three hours long. I have to protect my legs -- and waited with anticipation.
Magnolia the movie, which is not about flowers, is like a stomach virus that just won't go away. . . Like heartburn of nova intensity. . . Like Blair Witch Project, only without the scares or production values . . .
Waitasec. Blair Witch Project didn't have any scares or production values. Still, Magnolia, Anderson's follow up to the greatly entertaining Boogie Nights is so mind-numbingly awful that, at more than twice the Witch's length it almost surpasses the disaster that dead director Stanley Kubrick left us. . .
Waitasec. Eyes Wide Shut kept its awful-ness limited to one character's journey into the world of sexual bleh. Magnolia gives us a half dozen characters, meandering in the world of relationships. Tom Cruise (trying to outdo his work with Kubrick) stars as a long haired media wizard teaching lonely geeks how to get laid. The Wizard's teevee producing Father (Jason Robards), who abandoned the kidlet years before, is dying. Father's Young Wife (Julianne Moore), who married for the money, discovers that she really does love the old coot and The Caretaker (Philip Seymour Hoffman) tries to put the family back together again.
There's a whole 'nother fractured relationship story running parallel and linked by only the most tenuous of threads to the story above. In this one, The Boy Genius (Jeremy Blackman) who has financed his family through a successful run on a game show, created by the Father, doesn't want to do it anymore. Boy Genius' Father (Michael Bowen) won't have that. The Game Show Host (Philip Baker Hall) is also dying. The Ex-Boy Genius (William H. Macy), who had been a famous contestant years before and misses his fifteen minutes of fame, watches it all on television at the local bar. Tries to use his ex-fame as a pickup line.
Finally, there's something about a born again Police Officer in Love (John C. Reilly) who falls in love with a coke fiend (Melora Walters).
And then it rains frogs.
We said it in our review of Hard 8, Anderson spreads himself too thin (and that flick only had four characters!). He managed the feat in Boogie Nights but it's back to square one with this effort. Even in the comfy chairs, my legs were throbbing and my brain was close to flatlining. As emotive as Tom Cruise is, he could be banging a drum for all I care, a good performance means nothing when there is nothing else to keep you interested.
The rating below is based on the strict rule of this site that you shouldn't have to know anything when you walk into the theater to understand the movie. Afterwards I'll give you a clue that I found on an unassociated website, that makes it all clear and may help you enjoy this monstrosity.
On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Magnolia, he would have paid...
$0.00
The clue is in your Bible. Exodus 8:2: "And if thou shalt refuse to let [them] go, behold, I will smite all thy borders with frogs." Don't think Prince of Egypt, think parent/kidlet relationships. Hope you have a better time than moi.
 |
Click to buy films by Paul Thomas Anderson |
| Click to buy films starring Tom Cruise | |
| Click to buy films starring Julianne Moore | |
| Click to buy films starring Jason Robards | |
| Click to buy films starring William H. Macy |
| |
BUY THE LATEST DVDs |
|
 Star Wars Trilogy (Widescreen) DVD (Full Screen) |
 Lord of the Rings Trilogy DVD |
 Marx Bros collection |
 Alfred Hitchcock Collection |
|
|
We're Kidlet Safe
Search engine
by FreeFind
click to search site
Now in
Release:
The Band's Visit
Definitely Maybe
Hottie and the Nottie
In Bruges
Iron Man
Be Kind Rewind
Rambo
Cloverfield
Mad Money
U2 3D
28 Weeks Later
Black
Book
Bourne Ultimatum
Brooklyn
Rules
Death at a Funeral
Evening
The
Ex
Fido
Georgia Rule
Grindhouse
Hairspray
Harry Potter - Phoenix
The Hoax
Hot Rod
I Know Who Killed Me
La Vie en Rose
License to Wed
Live
Free or Die Hard
Mr. Brooks
Next
No Reservatons
Ocean's Thirteen
Perfect Stranger
Pirates of Caribbean
Ratatouille
Rescue Dawn
Rush Hour 3
Severance
Sicko
Simpsons Movie
Slow Burn
Snow Cake
Spider-Man 3
Stardust
DVDs
on Sale:
300
Alice
in Wonderland
Batman
Begins
Bambi
Beauty
and the Beast
Blade
Runner
Bridge to Terabithia
Charlie
+ Chocolate Factory
Cinderella
E.T.
Fantastic
Four
Forrest
Gump
Gone
With the Wind
Harry
Potter yrs 1-3 set
Harry
Potter Azkaban
The
Incredibles
Indiana
Jones trilogy
The
Lion King
Lord
of Rings 12 discs
Mary
Poppins 40th LE
Ultimate
Matrix set
Miss Potter
Monty
Python - Grail
Napoleon
Dynamite
Pirates of the Caribbean
Pirates of the Caribbean 2
Shrek
Shrek
2
Sin
City
Sleeping
Beauty
South
Park Movie
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
2
Star
Wars Ep. 1
Star
Wars Ep. 2
Star
Wars 3 Full Screen
Star
Wars 3 l'box
Star
Wars Trilogy (4-6)
The
Island
War
of the Worlds
X-Men
X-Men
2