HOME
Archives:  A - E      F - N      O - Z       Posters       Message Boards
Who We Are and Why We Do What We Do

dvd empire

Buy Movie collectibles
TV/Movie Collectibles

Labelled with ICRA
We're Kidlet Safe

Search engine by FreeFind
Click to add search to YOUR web site!
click to search site

        Now in Release:
American Violet
An American Affair
Brothers Bloom
Cadillac Records
Cheri
The Cake Eaters
Coraline
Dance Flick
Drag Me to Hell
Easy Virtue
Fast & Furious
Ghosts of Girlfriends Past
Hannah Montana
The Hangover
Inkheart
The International
I Love You, Man
Is Anybody There?
The Last House on the Left
Lymelife
Management
New in Town
Night at the Museum
The Proposal
Star Trek
Sunshine Cleaning
The Uninvited
Taken
Two Lovers
Up
Watchmen
Whatever Works
X-Men Wolverine
Year One

    DVDs on Sale:
An American in Paris
Batman Begins
Blade Runner
The Dark Knight
Day the Earth Stood Still
Forrest Gump
Gone With the Wind
Alfred Hitchcock set
Incredible Hulk SE
Indiana Jones trilogy
Iron Man SE
Lord of Rings 12 discs
Mamma Mia! SE
Marx Bros set
Ultimate Matrix set
Milk
Monty Python - Holy Grail
Role Models
Sin City
South Park Movie
Twilight
Vicky Cristina Barcelona

Watchmen
Watchmen: Black Freighter
Wonder Woman
X-Men Trilogy
Yes Man
Zack & Miri make a Porno

DisneyPixar & family DVDs
Alice in Wonderland
Bambi
Beauty and the Beast
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Bolt
Cinderella
Coraline
E.T.
Harry Potter yrs 1-4 set
Harry Potter Order of Phoenix

Kung Fu Panda
The Lion King
Mary Poppins 40th LE
Pinocchio
Ratatouille
Shrek Trilogy
Simpsons Movie

Spider-Man Trilogy
Star Trek movies set
Star Trek TOS (TV)
ST:TNG complete tv set
Star Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Wall-E SE

Looney Toons
Golden Age
DVD
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
Volume 4
Volume 5
Volume 6

Rocky & Bullwinkle DVD
Season 1
Season 2
Season 3

Popeye the Sailor DVD
v.1  1933 - 1938
v.2  1938 - 1940
v.3 1941 - 1943
75th anniversary coll.ed.

movie review query engine

NY film critics online

OFCS

Privacy Policy

Diamonds
Starring Kirk Douglas, Dan Aykroyd, Lauren Bacall
Screenplay by Allan Aaron Katz
Directed by John Asher
website: http://www.miramax.com

IN SHORT: Please don't go. [Rated PG-13, 91 minutes]

With the names of film legends Kirk Douglas and Lauren Bacall topping the card for the new film, Diamonds, it is very easy to disregard any concerns about age or health because, the word "legend" happens to legitimately apply to both actors. Several years ago, Kirk Douglas suffered a major stroke which left him without the ability to speak, and with great physical impairment. His recovery, such as it is, is remarkable. His physical movements are clean and smooth; there is no indication of a frail 83 year old in the body you see on screen. Spoken language is still a bit of a problem but the script by Allan Aaron Katz keeps the sentences, and the words therein, short.

It doesn't really matter. The creation of Diamonds is such a blatant ploy to get Kirk Douglas a well deserved Oscar that you're going to see a whole list of critics raving over Mr. Douglas' performance, all of whom will be screaming "Give the man an Oscar!"

Yeah. Give him a Life Achievement Academy Award. It's been well earned. Other than that, create a new category for "best performance in an individual scene in a movie that has no reason to exist" and give a pair of statues to Bacall and Douglas. Only in their one major scene together is there anything on screen recreating the star magic of old. There's a small coda at the end of the flick, but it's nothing special.

Diamonds is the story of three generations of men: Boxing Champion Harry "The Polish Prince" Agensky (Douglas), his estranged son Lance (Dan Aykroyd) and Lance's estranged son Michael (Corbin Allred). In a busted up convertible, Lance and Michael drive up to Canada to see the old man, who appears to be beginning the mental slippage prior to senility or Alzheimer's. Harry tells Michael an "old story" about 13 magic diamonds hidden in the walls of a house in Reno, Nevada. No one believes the story, but Michael convinces his dad that a road trip would be good. Gramps Last Stand, as it were. So the three men sneak out in the middle of the night and head for Reno. It is, by the way, the middle of the winter. The top of the convertible is down because it is broken. In short, Harry should have been dead of pneumonia in 24 hours, but that's not enough time to let the three generations bond.

Making it to Reno, the travelers discover that the house they seek has long since been demolished. So, they do the next best thing that three generations of men in Nevada can do. They head for the local chicken ranch run by a madam named Sin-Dee (Lauren Bacall). Lance is prudish. Michael is supposed to be fifteen (and this little fact is held back for an hour into the flick.) The actor in no way looks it, though he has the good taste to pick up the lovely Jenny McCarthy. Only the scenes with Douglas and Bacall, who last appeared in a film together back in 1950 (and never in the same scene) carries any kind of emotional weight to it.

So, Diamonds has been the talk of all the reviews in the private rooms for the last month or so. It's all been whispered talk because none of us want to say it. Diamonds, the film, is a royal stinker.

Let's start with the nice parts: There is some lovely screen chemistry between Kirk Douglas and Lauren Bacall. Getting there means enduring the first third of this flick, which is downright painful. The writing is terrible, the character set-ups are poor and sometimes vary from scene to scene. Story continuity is tossed to the winds and scenes with Jenny McCarthy run way too long, solely to keep any kidlets who paid to see her occupied.

The writing and story structure is a mess. The logic of the story -- driving a topless convertible in the middle of winter -- is abhorrent. The happy ending -- the "diamonds" are not what you think. A trick ending that I won't divulge can't save a film whose first third is so awful that non-critics were sneaking out of the room with heads hanging low. We all seemed to be of the same opinion; The preproduction process was rushed because it was necessary to get this film shot and wrapped before the star died. A finished film can get a nomination and Douglas, with a substantial and stellar career behind him, deserves a statue before he dies. But not for this.

I had promised the Miramax PR staff that, as long as the commercial campaign didn't push for an Oscar® for Douglas' role in this film, I would lay off. A Lifetime Achievement Oscar® is appropriate and should be awarded as soon as possible -- next March. But it would be cruel and transparent to award a performance Oscar® to Douglas in this film. If you haven't read the History of Cranky, don't you dare accuse me of having no sympathy for the battles Mr. Douglas has fought to overcome the paralysis of his stroke. Don't you dare.

And solely out of respect for an excellent career, we will not attach a numerical rating to this flick. There is nothing in it, save some inserted shots of a boxing Douglas in his prime (lifted from 1949's Champion, which you can rent) that can do anything but spoil the memory of a great actor's roles.

Click to buy films starring Kirk Douglas
Click to buy films starring Lauren Bacall
Click to buy films starring Dan Aykroyd
Click Here!
The Cranky Critic® is a Registered Trademark of, and his website is  Copyright © 1995-2008 by, Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, T their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy AwardT(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.

Amazon Honor System Click Here to Pay Learn More


Your Donations feed us

buy Cranky gear!
Buy Cranky stuff
Click Here to Pay Learn More

Click here to buy posters!
Buy movie posters!

BUY THE LATEST DVDs

Star Wars Trilogy (Widescreen)
DVD
(Full Screen)
lotr
Lord of the Rings Trilogy DVD

Marx Bros collection
hitchcock dvd
Alfred Hitchcock Collection


Looney Toons
Volume 1
Volume 2
Volume 3
Rocky & Bullwinkle
Season 1
Season 2
Season 3
Star Trek TOS
Star Trek TNG
Star Trek Films

Criterion Collections

Buy Movie collectibles
TV/Movie Collectibles

Click here for your favorite eBay items


online movie critics

Privacy Policy

Labelled with ICRA
We're Kidlet Safe

Search engine
by FreeFind
Click to add search to YOUR web site!
click to search site

   Now in Release:

The Band's Visit
Definitely Maybe
Hottie and the Nottie
In Bruges
Iron Man
Be Kind Rewind
Rambo
Cloverfield
Mad Money
U2 3D

28 Weeks Later
Black Book
Bourne Ultimatum
Brooklyn Rules
Death at a Funeral
Evening
The Ex
Fido
Georgia Rule
Grindhouse
Hairspray
Harry Potter - Phoenix
The Hoax
Hot Rod
I Know Who Killed Me
La Vie en Rose
License to Wed
Live Free or Die Hard
Mr. Brooks
Next
No Reservatons
Ocean's Thirteen
Perfect Stranger
Pirates of Caribbean
Ratatouille
Rescue Dawn
Rush Hour 3
Severance
Sicko
Simpsons Movie
Slow Burn
Snow Cake
Spider-Man 3
Stardust

    DVDs on Sale:
300
Alice in Wonderland
Batman Begins
Bambi
Beauty and the Beast
Blade Runner
Bridge to Terabithia
Charlie + Chocolate Factory
Cinderella
E.T.
Fantastic Four
Forrest Gump
Gone With the Wind
Harry Potter yrs 1-3 set
Harry Potter Azkaban
The Incredibles
Indiana Jones trilogy
The Lion King
Lord of Rings 12 discs
Mary Poppins 40th LE
Ultimate Matrix set
Miss Potter
Monty Python - Grail
Napoleon Dynamite
Pirates of the Caribbean
Pirates of the Caribbean 2
Shrek
Shrek 2
Sin City
Sleeping Beauty
South Park Movie
Spider-Man
Spider-Man 2
Star Wars Ep. 1
Star Wars Ep. 2
Star Wars 3 Full Screen
Star Wars 3 l'box
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
The Island
War of the Worlds
X-Men
X-Men 2

The Cranky Critic® is a Registered Trademark of, and his website is  Copyright © 1995  -  2009 by, Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, ™ their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award™(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.