for full sized poster
Starring Kathleen Turner,
Christopher Lloyd, Peter MacNicol
Screenplay by Bob Clark and Greg Michael
from a story by Steven Paul and Francisca Matos & Robert
Directed by Bob Clark
IN SHORT: The
worst of the year.
must've been a great movie pitch: The world is really controlled
by babies! They're born with the secret knowledge of the workings
of the universe. They communicate in a special language (it sounds
like "baby talk" to us) that, if we grownups could understand
it, the information subsequently revealed could make us rich and
powerful. Only an evil corporation, led by the scheming Dr. Elena
Kinder (Kathleen Turner) has the ability to cull out the
most genius of the these brilliant diaper dumpers. With the aid
of Dr. Heep (Christopher Lloyd) they've identified the best
of the best, a twin named Sly who, at age 18 months shows ace karate
moves, the black ops planing moves of a seasoned spy and has highly
developed olfactory senses that let him ignore "diaper gravy"
even when he's swimming in it. Locked away in a secret lab 25 stories
below ground, Sly builds escape devices oiut of Lego blocks and
heads for the local mall.
it! That's the pitch! Mission Impossible starring babies! We'll
dress 'em up like John Travolta in Saturday Night Fever. We'll have
'em talk that silly little ghetto rap the kids love. We'll kick
a couple of grownup nasty guards in the cohones, It'll be cute!
It gets worse. Sly's twin brother is named Whit. He's dumb. Therefore,
he's been dumped into a day care center run by Kinder's niece Robin
(Kim Cattrell) and her baby researcher husband Dr. Dan Bobbins
(Peter MacNicol) -- from whom Dr. Kinder steals all the really
good ideas that have made her rich. With only the aid of a video
camera, Doctor Dan has begun to understand the language AND discovered
that all babies share a telepathic link. When Robin accidentally
switches the two twins, 'cuz she's too dumb to remember how she
dressed her kid that morning, the very fate of the world (or at
least the BABYCO Corporation) hangs in the balance.
just trying to explain this thing logically is causing me pain.
Movies as bas as Baby Geniuses are the reason why Press Notes
were first invented. Without them, reviewers such as yours truly
could never hope to explain the various intricacies of bad movies
and give away all the twists and turns that you pay your hard earned
bucks to enjoy. What a wonderful thing it is, then, to tell you
that there is absolutely nothing I can give away that will ruin
Baby Geniuses for you. That is how incredibly bad it is.
It must be seen to understand the torment that folk like me go through
hundreds of times a year.
fill page after page with logistical questions like: if the babies
lose their intelligence once they start speaking adult language,
why haven't they gotten dumb once they understand adult language?
Why do super rich and sophisticated secret labs use diaper services
when the poor downtrodden public day care house uses disposable?
there's no PC comment here folks -- it's a set up for a number two
is what this most painful time in the dark is. A bad number two
can do funny. Lloyd has been doing funny for years and MacNicol
does sophisticated funny on Ally MacBeal every week. How
then is it, then, that not a damned thing these actors do is funny?
The credits are up top, friends. Lock and load.
average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were
Cranky able to set his own price to Baby Geniuses, he would
could take a tetanus shot before sitting through this monstrosity
and still get lockjaw from how low that mandible will hang.