cranky home
Reviews since 1993:   A-E     F-N      O-Z    Posters       Who We Are and Why We Do What We Do         Search the Site

Your Donations support the Site

amazon.gif
Top Selling DVD     Books

BLU-RAY DVDs:
50 Shades of Grey
Exodus Gods and Kings
Grand Budapest Hotel
Imitation Game, The
Into the Woods

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Robocop
Selma
Theory of Everything
Ride Along
We're the Millers
The Great Gatsby
Akira
Avatar
The Avengers
Amazing Spider-Man
Girl w/ Dragon Tattoo
Dark Knight Trilogy
World War Z
Happy Feet 2
Iton Man 3 combo
Batman Begins
Dark Knight
Fifth Element
The Hangover
Hunger Games
James Bond 11 disc coll.
Lord of the Rings trilogy
Mission Impossible GP
Sherlock Holmes AGOS
Singing in the Rain
Snow White Huntsman
Star Trek Into Darkness combo
Star Wars Saga
21 Jump Street
Ultimate Matrix coll
X-Men First Class
X-Men Trilogy
X-Men Wolverine

 BLU-Ray for Family DVDs 
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
Bambi
A Bug's Life
Cars
Chronicles of Narnia set
Coraline
Ghostbusters
Harry Potter 1-8 collection
Iron Man 2 combo
Kung Fu Panda
Lord of the Rings Trilogy Pinocchio
Pirates of Caribbean trilogy
Pixar short films
Ratatouille
Rio
Shrek the Whole Story
Sleeping Beauty
The Smurfs
combo
Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
Star Trek motion pictures set
Star Trek TNG Season One
Star Wars Saga (1-6)
Toy Story combo
Toy Story 2 combo
Toy Story 3 combo
Wall-E SE

OFCS

Search engine by FreeFind
Click to add search to YOUR web site!
click to search site

 DISNEY PIXAR DVDs
Alice in Wonderland
Bambi
Beauty and the Beast
Bolt
Cinderella
Coraline
E.T.
Kung Fu Panda
The Lion King
Mary Poppins 45th LE
Pinocchio
Princess Mononoke
Ratatouille
Rio 
Shrek the Whole Story
Simpsons Movie
Spider-Man Trilogy
Spirited Away
Star Trek movies set
Star Trek TOS (TV)
ST:TNG complete tv set
Star Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Toy Story DVD combo
Toy Story 2 DVD combo
Toy Story 3 DVD combo
Wallace and Gromit
Wall-E SE

Buy Movie collectibles
TV/Movie Collectibles

movie review query engine

NY film critics online

Privacy Policy

  13th warrior poster
Click for full size poster

The 13th Warrior

Rated [R], 114 minutes
Starring Antonio Banderas, Omar Sharif
Diane Venora, Dennis Storhoi, Vladimir Kulich
Screenplay by William Wisher and Michael Crichton
Based on Crichton's novel "Eaters of the Dead"
Directed by John McTiernan
website: www.the13thwarrior.com/

Cranky's noticed a resurgence in barbarian and battle themes in the graphic media -- Roy Thomas is again writing Conan. Frank Miller delivered 300, a killer adaptation of the age old story of Spartans versus Persians. Which doesn't explain why Michael Crichton's tale of an Arab poet among the barbarians of the North, The 13th Warrior offers up a lot of battle and a very little in the way of story or character development. We could drop the traditional dismissal as a "comic book movie" on this thing, but most of the comics are better.

Of course, a movie ticket will run you a lot less than the $15.75 the set of 300 would've cost you and the ticket comes with free air-conditioning, so you have to decide for yourself.

Ahmed Ibn Fahdlan (Antonio Banderas) is a poet at the Royal Court in Baghdad. Having the temerity to make eye contact with one of the King's favorite women, he is banished to the North Countries as an "ambassador," in the obvious hope that he'll die somewhere along the journey. At his side is wise man Melchisidek (Omar Sharif) whose knowledge of foreign languages is greater than Ahmed's own. In short order Ahmed is attacked by Tartars, saved by Norse warriors and drafted into service by a bone throwing witch.

As with most barbarian stories, the good guys must save the town from mystical and incredibly violent attackers. Here, the bad guys rip the heads off the good guys. Their dead mysteriously vanish when the battle is over. They fight like bears and move like men, therefore they are "demons". It's all an excuse to set up large battle sequences, all fought at night, which form the bulk of the production. when the story begins to lag, the usual crazy lady slash witch slash prophetess appears to guide the good guys on their way and give them the key to victory. Yadda Yadda Yadda, let's have another battle. I can't even identify the significant Northerners 'cuz they don't use names and, excepting the occasional beard or differing haircut, they all look alike to me.

Don't flame me, folks, Cranky's been sick as a dog all week and just doesn't have the energy to get creative about a poor Robert E. Howard genre story. The 13th Warrior offers up just enough gore to make teenboys happy, but not enough to totally gross out anyone outside of that demographic.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to The 13th Warrior, he would have paid...

$3.00

Rent it for the battle scenes if your fondness for barbarian stories is a thing of the past. Kidlets just discovering Conan could like it.

Click to buy films by John McTiernan
Click to buy films starring Antonio Banderas
Click to buy films starring Omar Sharif

The Cranky Critic website is Copyright © 1995  -  2016   by Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer are Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.