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i'll be home

Starring Jonathan Taylor Thomas
Screenplay by Harris Goldberg & Tom Nursall
Story by Michael Allin
Directed by Arlene Sanford
Website: www.IllBeHomeForChristmas.com

IN SHORT: vid for kids.

Adults should not go to flicks like these, 'cuz we're so far out of the target we are never going to understand it.

Early on in I'll Be Home for Christmas, Jonathan Taylor Thomas' latest, and lamest, family-oriented flick there's a joke about learning French by osmosis. It involves sleeping on the book. Cranky took one look at JTT's face, once the santa suit and beard were glued on tight and thought "gee, he looks like Tim Allen." I guess you can pick up looks by osmosis as well.

Would that Tim Allen had lent some of his comedy skills to this poorly written, barely passable as a big screen family movie. The setup must have looked good on paper. A rich kid, who is financing his college days by selling test answers to the football team, is offered a Porsche as a bribe to come home for Christmas. When one of his schemes goes awry, he wakes up in the desert in the suit. Not only does he have to get home, he has to save his girlfriend from the evil clutches of a rival, and learn about citizenship and good behavior in the process.

His cross country journey, which has all the feel of a cut and past TV story, is so forgettable that I couldn't put all the pieces together again less than 5 minutes after leaving the theater. I did stay for the entire movie, by the way. Half the critics sitting in the row in front of me waited 30 minutes, got up and walked out. Cranky had half a tub of popcorn to go, and I've seen far worse flicks than this, so I paid attention to the important stuff. The kids. The smaller the kidlet, the bigger the reactions they gave to the nonsense that played out on screen. Six years and under, it's a place to park. Everyone else, don't bother.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to I'll Be Home for Christmas, he would have paid . . .


The one joke that was truly a side splitter for the New Yorkers in the audience . . . nah, I'm not telling.

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