An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn Starring Sylvester Stallone, Whoopi Goldberg, Jackie Chan, Ryan O'Neal, Richard Jeni, and Eric Idle; Coolio and Chuck D Screenplay by Joe Eszterhas Directed by "Alan Smithee" Website: www.movies.com

IN SHORT: If you paid Cranky a million bucks, he's sure he could come up with something just as awful. Make the check to "cash".

Let us take a minute to honor the legendary contributions of movie screenwriting master, and feminist, Joe Eszterhas (as described by one of the Crankified as "a fat, self-indulgent [expletive deleted] pig". It was Eszterhas' hard fought effort in Basic Instinct that enhanced the stature and status of women in Hollywood immensely. Before Instinct, only ugly porn stars spread their legs on the big screen. Now, almost everybody does. Not only is it OK for the women; the males have joined that brave march into the millennium, swinging their prostheticly enhanced schlongs in front of 'em. So let us raise our wallets high . . .

Well, let's not and say we did. For with his latest project foisted upon the money paying public as An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn it is only Eszterhas who will be laughing. . .

. . . all the way to the bank. But not from the prices you pay for your ticket. Just from the millions this hack gets paid to write this crap.

Uh oh. Cranky foreshadowed too soon. His readers are leaving the website in droves. WAIT! COME BACK! We haven't Gotten to the SEX! Or the VIOLENCE! Burn Hollywood Burn has Big guns and gorgeous women with REALLY BIG BOOBS shooting those REALLY BIG GUNS!

The feminists in the audience have now left this review and . . .

Waitasec. Quentin Tarantino did the girls with guns bit in Jackie Brown. Isn't it astounding that a tribute artist like QT could pay tribute to a great man like Joe Eszterhas, by copying a film idea even before he sees it on the screen? Way to go Quentin!

OK, all the Quentin Tarantino fans have quit this review. Let's continue.

Burn Hollywood Burn could better be described as "Joe Eszterhas Burns His Bridges." At least the concept of his humor is so sharp that it slices through the uvulas of the backstabbing double talking Armani suits that sack and pillage the Hollywood Hills and Malibu territories in their black Rangerovers. In this no holds barred telling of the tale of the biggest budget action flick never made ("Trio"), A-list stars Sylvester Stallone (described as a "scholar," in the first of a multitude of subtitled gags), Jackie Chan ("linguist") and Whoopie Goldberg ("Ted Danson fan") contribute their take on events that let eminent film editor Alan Smithee (Eric Idle) to steal and burn the negative of this legendary film.

In total, "Burn Hollywood Burn" is a one joke pony. For those of you who not card carrying members of the Directors Guild of America, like Cranky, "Alan Smithee" is the pseudonym used as the credit of any director who wants his name off a film, in this case Arthur Hiller. The joke is that the director of the film in the story is also named Alan Smithee. Which means his only option is to "kidnap" and destroy the film. Which means, in Hollywood's bizarre way, he's created something even more famous. The fictional character, not Hiller. A cameo appearance by Hiller at the end of the flick tries to put a humorous spin to his departure, but you won't care.

Even if you subscribe to "Entertainment Weekly," "Premiere," and "Buzz"; roll VCR tape on the daily and weekly editions of "Entertainment Tonight" and "Access Hollywood"; let E! play endlessly on your telly, you'll still be bored out of your skull in fifteen minutes time.

The evacuation of viewers was pretty consistent and steady from early on. Stallone, Chan and Goldberg don't keep you interested. African American co-stars Coolio and Chuck D didn't help keep the A-A's in the audience in their seats (The brothers were the first ones to leave the sneak preview). Extensive appearances by once-upon-a-time major producer Robert Evans means nothing to anyone outside of LA. Short of a pretty good opening song, there's not much about this stinking pile that brings it up to the level of the worst Troma flick.

Just as with Eszterhas' Showgirls, all involved with this rancid waste of time should cash their checks, run for the hills, and hope it gets forgotten as fast as possible.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price for An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, he would have paid . . .

$0.00

Checking my records, even Showgirls rated higher than An Alan Smithee Film: Burn Hollywood Burn, but not because it was any better.

Cranky doesn't get paid enough to sit through this crap.

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