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IN SHORT: yech. [Rated PG-13 for crude and sexual content. 91 minutes]
Once upon a time -- said time being first grade -- young Nate Cooper lost his heart to the fair Cristabel Abbott. Cristabel's best friend, as in glued at the hip bestest bud, was the far from fair June Phigg. To say that June was unattractive, big fat mole on her chin and all, wouldn't be nice but it would be true. Such is life that the Coopers moved away from California and Nate never saw his lady love again.
No, sorry, there wouldn't be a movie is that happened. So, twenty years later, Nate heads back to LA, locates his former bestest friend in the world Arno Blount (The Greg Wilson). Arno would be a stalker if he wasn't so fat, but he has maintained a huge scrapbook of detailed information for Nate to use to track down the lovely Cristabel. The only problem? Cristabel is still bestest friends with the ugliest girl in town, one June "has a mole on her chin the size of a small state" Phigg (Christine Lakin), and won't go out on a date unless June is properly occupied. So, where to find someone so desperate for a date, or willing able to drink enough to numb his person to the utter hideousness of Ms. Phigg than one of those community message boards, where desperation rules. Enter a date for June, one Cole Slawson (Adam Kulbersh) and, somewhere along, the way, a a Swiss dentist Johann (Johann Urb) who makes a miracle happen in June's mouth and, one mole-removing dermatologist and a lot of Rogaine and laser skin treatments (and so on and so forth etc etc etc) later June Phigg is a a tasty little newton.
So to speak. But you know she would be, right?
The Hottie and the Nottie is the kind of production we saw in our grad student film school days. Without the presence of Ms. Hilton it would get its makers a pat on the back from other newbie creators and that would be that. But Ms. Hilton is a walking media machine and those of us who just don't "get" her appeal (sic) were more than ready to watch her fall on her face. She doesn't but she doesn't have much to work with and very little to do to drive this movie. No statues are going to be awarded for the performance but it is what it is and it -- the requirements of her role -- are not so difficult that any beginning slash competent actress can pull it off. It doesn't hurt if (you're) carrying a love jones for Ms. Hilton -- we're way too old to get that -- and what you see of her perfectly tanned breasts offer up a fair distraction for anyone not thrilled by the rest of the movie.
The Hottie and the Nottie is a very average movie and, were it all nonames, we'd probably not be writing even this much. With Paris in it, it'll do some business and it's not good enough for that.
On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Ten Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to The Hottie and the Nottie , he would have paid . . .
rent, if you must, but you'd be better off leaving this turkey be.
28 Weeks Later
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