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Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest Starring Johnny Depp, Orlando Bloom, Keira Knightley, Jonathan Pryce, Bill Nighy, Stellan Skarsgard, Geoffrey Rush Written by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio Based on characters created by Ted Elliot & Terry Rossio and Stuart Beattie and Jay Wolpert based on Walt Disney's "Pirates of the Caribbean" Directed by Gore Verbinski website: pirates.movie.com

IN SHORT: Total overkill. Over written. Over long. Over and out. [Rated PG-13. 150 minutes]

As much as we raved and described the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie as a whole lot of fun, so do we agree with the guy sitting directly behind us who, halfway through Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, leaned over and whispered to his date "I don't have the slightest idea what's going on here."

For those that have rented or may own the original and refreshed their memory with a quick view we repeat, eleven years running our principal rule has been "You shouldn't have to know the Source Material to understand the movie." Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest, picks up (we think) somewhere just after the events of Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl blasts out of the starting gate like a mechanical jack rabbit before the racing dogs. You don't get a chance to figure out who is who nor does the film allow any time to refresh a viewer's soggy memory. Without any of that the film is completely incomprehensible.

No, not completely. There are the occasional jokes that are in and of themselves funny. The cinematography is as beautiful -- meaning it is quite clear that most of the characters need serious dental work. Pirates. Hygiene. That joke is in the script as well as some interesting CGI creations of another set of pirates on the legendary Flying Dutchman. Captained by Davy Jones, everyone else in the film -- well, those not hunting Captain Jack Sparrow (Johnny Depp) -- are seeking Jones' buried treasure. It's not gold and we're not going to tell you what it is because we'd have to explain the significance and we can't.

You want our advice? Get the first one. Watch it first.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Ten Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest , he would have paid . . .

$0.00

Better yet, wait and rent both and make a day of it . . . or wait another year for Part Three (no lie) and make a marathon of it.

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