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Click for full sized poster

Torque

Starring Martin Henderson, Ice Cube, Monet Mazur, Adam Scott, Matt Schulze, Jaime Pressly and Jay Hernandez
Written by Matt Johnson
Directed by Joseph Kahn
website: www.torquemovie.com

IN SHORT: Some va-voom. Lots of KA-BOOMs. Ultimately a major zzzz. [Rated PG-13 for Violence, Sexuality, Language and Drug References . 83 minutes]

All we know about motorcycles we learned from watching American Chopper, which is a highly entertaining and equally recommended show, regardless of any interest in motorcycles. When the star of that show, Jesse James, disappeared for a couple of episodes to do "his movie project" we wondered what it was. We sure hope that it wasn't supposed to be Torque, for a half second cameo does not count as a movie project.

James' appearance, at least for us, was one of the few bright spots of Torque, whose whole point is to offer up an hour and a half of mindless entertainment featuring men on bikes moving way too fast and incredibly hot looking tattooed and pierced Playboy worthy women. When we settle in expecting nothing but a dumb flick, which is all that Torque is, we count the number of "ooo"moments, the kind of things production designers have wet dreams about. There are three of those, all of 'em overwhelmed by testosterone fueled performances by every singe character on screen. Torque is one big production design stitched together by as little story as possible:

Biker Cary Ford (Martin Henderson) is back in town after a six month run to Thailand. FBI agent (Adam Scott) is on his tail, as is renegade biker gang leader Henry (Matt Schulze) who entrusted two hogs -- stuffed with vials of meth amphetamine -- to Ford for safe-keeping. To make sure he gets his stuff back,Henry murders the dumb brother of another biker, Trey (Ice Cube), and lays the blame squarely on Ford.

That makes perfect sense. You have what I want so I'm getting a third party involved to kill you. At one point in this film, one character tries to explain some of the logistics of what has gone before and summarizes it as "too complicated." In his dreams. . .

You know the bad girl (Jaime Pressly) is bad 'cuz she's in black and has strategically visible piercings that make it very clear that you don't want to mess with her. Ford's ex, Shane (Monet Mazur), is the good girl -- no visible piercings --and a gun toting, stunning blonde All-American looker to boot. Just the kind o' gal that'd get any of us middle aged critics down on our knees thanking God for his great kindness if she were to show up for a Friday night date. This Shane, of course, has a right hook that could put your lights out if you stepped over the line but, hey, looks is looks.

We were bored silly with Torque, even if not 100% disappointed. Playboy worthy women in skin tight leather will always hold our interest between bike crashes, gunfire and testosterone driven idiocy. That's what popcorn movies are for. They're also best for thirteen year old cusp of adulthood boys who yearn for this nonsense. But there's little more to recommend it than that. By the time we hit the climax of the film, involving a jet engine rig that has to be seen to be believed, it would have been real good watching -- if we hadn't lost all interest long before.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Ten Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Torque, he would have paid . . .

$1.00

Because if you know how to do it, you can hook your vid up to the computer and generate some extremely fine wallpaper.

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