cranky home
Reviews since 1993:   A-E     F-N      O-Z    Posters       Who We Are and Why We Do What We Do         Search the Site

Your Donations support the Site

Top Selling DVD     Books

50 Shades of Grey
Exodus Gods and Kings
Grand Budapest Hotel
Imitation Game, The
Into the Woods

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Theory of Everything
Ride Along
We're the Millers
The Great Gatsby
The Avengers
Amazing Spider-Man
Girl w/ Dragon Tattoo
Dark Knight Trilogy
World War Z
Happy Feet 2
Iton Man 3 combo
Batman Begins
Dark Knight
Fifth Element
The Hangover
Hunger Games
James Bond 11 disc coll.
Lord of the Rings trilogy
Mission Impossible GP
Sherlock Holmes AGOS
Singing in the Rain
Snow White Huntsman
Star Trek Into Darkness combo
Star Wars Saga
21 Jump Street
Ultimate Matrix coll
X-Men First Class
X-Men Trilogy
X-Men Wolverine

 BLU-Ray for Family DVDs 
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
A Bug's Life
Chronicles of Narnia set
Harry Potter 1-8 collection
Iron Man 2 combo
Kung Fu Panda
Lord of the Rings Trilogy Pinocchio
Pirates of Caribbean trilogy
Pixar short films
Shrek the Whole Story
Sleeping Beauty
The Smurfs
Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
Star Trek motion pictures set
Star Trek TNG Season One
Star Wars Saga (1-6)
Toy Story combo
Toy Story 2 combo
Toy Story 3 combo
Wall-E SE


Search engine by FreeFind
Click to add search to YOUR web site!
click to search site

Alice in Wonderland
Beauty and the Beast
Kung Fu Panda
The Lion King
Mary Poppins 45th LE
Princess Mononoke
Shrek the Whole Story
Simpsons Movie
Spider-Man Trilogy
Spirited Away
Star Trek movies set
Star Trek TOS (TV)
ST:TNG complete tv set
Star Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Toy Story DVD combo
Toy Story 2 DVD combo
Toy Story 3 DVD combo
Wallace and Gromit
Wall-E SE

Buy Movie collectibles
TV/Movie Collectibles

movie review query engine

NY film critics online

Privacy Policy

Click for full sized poster

Just Married

Starring Ashton Kutcher and Brittany Murphy
Written by Sam Harper
Directed by Shawn Levy

IN SHORT: The funniest movie of the year . . . [Rated PG-13. 95 minutes]

Just Married is also the first comedy out of the chute in the year A.D. 2003. We'd change the print in this font to something dripping, as in dripping with sarcasm, because that's how the sentence is intended. Old farts, meaning anyone older than x-teen, stay away. Then again, if you don't know the stars, you already have a damn good reason to stay away from Just Married.

Take one up and coming film star and one major sitcom actor and put 'em in a sitcom blowed up to big screen size (that means a lot of set damage and body damage and the occasional "Wow! We're in Europe! Look at the scenery!" shots) and you've got Just Married: a sitcom blowed up to big screen size and so desperate for laughs that, well, the National Lampoon magazine did it thirty years ago -- which means it's fair game to recycle a gag that basically goes: "Laugh. Or we'll kill this dog."

That joke was funny when we were fifteen and it may be funny to any fifteen year old planting for this thing that calls itself a movie. We haven't been fifteen for years and Just Married isn't funny, even as a get ripped and rent it flick. Just Married would have been even more painful had we been ripped since it takes too damned long to get to anything even remotely as funny as the laffs of the dog gag. What follows the dog is an hour plus of "let's try to accidentally hurt and or kill each other on our Honeymoon From Hell" before the inevitable, desperate attempt at reconciliation. Actually, the events that lead up to that reconciliation are the only funny moments in the movie almost fully described in the last sentence -- we left out the ex-boyfriend () that mysteriously turns up on each honeymoon stop and the genre-perfect rich girl (Brittany Murphy), dumb shlub (Ashton Kutcher) pairing that kicks off the festivities -- now you're caught up.

Even as formulaic as Just Married is, there are a couple of salient points to be made. In any film where all the comedy comes from a happy loving couple's total unhappiness, it is absolutely vital that at least a modicum of affection be established between the characters. The Just Married script kicks off with the most vicious hatred imaginable and, even with an all too brief flashback to establish the credentials of this mismatched love connection, nothing in the the star's performances or in the directions they receive from helmsman Shawn Levy or the pathetically unfunny script does anything to make it feel real. There is no chemistry between Kutcher and Murphy, despite their real life involvement (if you believe Access Hollywood, that is).

Then again, we're not the target demo and we have no overwhelming desire to shell out ten bucks for a look at either Murphy or Kutcher. There are more laughs to be found in any random half hour of That 70s Show, Kutcher's claim to fame, than in the entirety of Just Married. Maybe someone should have taken notes before sitting down at their word processor.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Ten Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Just Married, he would have paid . . .



As always, we watched the target demo -- and our house was jammed to the gills. Were Just Married a success, the house would have been roaring. It wasn't. Frankly, before the doggie gag, there wasn't a chuckle to be heard. From then on in the laughter was sporadic and nothing close to a roar. Just Married is a failure pure and simple.

amazon com link Click to buy films by Shawn Levy
Click to buy films starring Ashton Kutcher
Click to buy films starring Brittany Murphy
Click Here!

The Cranky Critic website is Copyright © 1995  -  2017  by Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer are Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.