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Charlie's Angels
Full Throttle

Starring Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu
Screenplay by John August and Cormac Wibberly & Marianne Wibberly
Based on the television series
Directed by McG

IN SHORT: A sequel. Sequel means Number Two. You do the next extrapolation, we run a family oriented page. [Rated PG-13 for action violence, sensuality and language/innuendo.]

Not much has really changed about the Charlie's Angels universe and Full Throttle is designed to run piggyback with the original in endless video replays. It has very little plot to support even less of a consistent story -- the key word is consistent. We'll get back to that in a paragraph or so..

For those that missed Movie One, go rent now. Grab a couple of episodes of the teevee show, if they're available, 'cuz you'll need that background, too.. Full Throttle attempts to work without falling back on the first edition, just like any good teevee show would, but it forgets that lovely idea real fast. The three Angels (Drew Barrymore, Cameron Diaz and Lucy Liu) continue to do investigative work for their mystery employer who gives orders via a speakerphone. John Forsythe continues to voice Charlie. Their sidekick is still a guy named Bosley (Bernie Mac) though this Boz is the brother to the one seen in the last flick. Luke Wilson and Matt LeBlanc return as boyfriends with little to do as does Crispin Glover as the villain with a hair fetish. Like its predecessor, CAFT tries hard to put parody and comedy first.In this case, though, it runs out of film parody ideas by the third scene, rarely comes close to funny and seems to forget that bikinis are much more fun to look at than snowsuits.

Ah, when we saw Demi Moore in her black bikini in the trailer we had no idea that that's about the sum total of her appearance in that outfit in the actual film. Who put this script together? Economists? Yep, according to the press notes writers Cormac Wibberly & Marianne Wibberly, who co-wrote the film with John August, the co-writer of the "original," have degrees in economics and mathematics, respectively. And this has what to do with dumb action movies featuring babes in bikinis??? Nothing, which is just about the sum total of the creative talent expressed in this story. Even a pair of A-list cameos do nothing more than call attention to themselves to the point where we were expecting, and waiting for, more.

Beginning with the rescue of a Fed agent in Northern Mongolia that works fairly well, Full Throttle quickly loses all sense of direction and throws a potpourri of possible story ideas at the audience, most of which involve dressing the angels up in various costumes – a welcome device throughout the television series and the first movie, though one which is used helter skelter in this movie – and little else. There's some nonsense about a pair of rings that contain code revealing the location of every felon in the witness protection program, though the rings have nothing to do with ninety percent of what follows: a random meeting with former angel Madison Lee (Moore), the pointlessness of which is the reason why the concept of "foreshadowing" is taught in every screen writing class on the face of the planet; the new Bosley is the recipient of all four count 'em four laffs in this story; Angel Natalie (Diaz) moves in with her boyfriend (Wilson) so Angel Dylan (Barrymore) can ponder a future without one of her bestest friends ever; Angel Alex (Liu) can't shake the old boyfriend off (LeBlanc) even as his acting career skyrockets and her dad (John Cleese) pops into town for a quick visit with his "daughter the doctor".

Well, of course dad has no idea about the Charles Townsend Detective Agency. That way he can discover his daughter's derring do in the only subplot that holds any kind of weight. That weight is mostly comedic and was just enough to get us to the finish line. Full Throttle fulfills every requirement of movies so bad that you (or we) in the audience sits and thinks "it's got to get better because it can't get much worse" Oh, we can dream that pleasant thought but dreaming won't make Charlie's Angels Full Throttle anything more than a lot of ideas tossed at you like a bad music video – it was just a matter of time until McG's background caught up to his output.

Our press notes tell us that Full Throttle was "designed as a love letter to Los Angeles," which is a description more to the point than any we could think up all by our lonesome. LA is a great city in which nothing lasts forever. Blink and its gone. Blink hard before handing over hard green cash for Full Throttle because once it's gone no theater owner in their right mind is going to give it back. They'll be too busy hiding from the hordes of the ripped off for Full Throttle is, to this date, the worst movie of the year.

Hey, it had to happen sooner or later.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Ten Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Charlie's Angels Full Throttle, he would have paid . . .


If we had any kind of life we wouldn't put so much emphasis on Demi in <vbg>

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