Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever

Rated R for strong violence. 95 minutes
Starring Antonio Banderas and Lucy Liu; Gregg Henry, Ray Park, Talisa Soto, Miguel Sandoval
Screenplay by Alan McElroy
Directed by Kaos
website: www.warnerbros.com

IN SHORT: Not a reason to give up taking pain killers/ drinking/ smoking/ shooting up. Perhaps a very good reason to start doing so in any combination of as much as you can stand, and then some.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever makes Cranky glad he got his neck brok all those years ago, 'cuz we get really good drugs, legal. But they weren't enough.

DESCRIBED AS AN AD SLOGAN: Kaos. It's not just a director. It's what's on the screen!

EXPLAINED IN WORDS OF FOUR LETTERS OR LESS THAT END IN "IT": Oh, you figure it out.

One of the reasons that critics exist is to summarize films, in a clear and concise manner, so that you can make an educated decision as to whether or not to spend your hard earned cash on a ticket. So, in our absolutely crystal clear and concise manner: Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever lkoit lli oine poiw. Quoe plaou flmk all twhs. Ee zajoxi lkwn mmoxin. Explosions? llzeni! Car chases? llzeni! Strong violence? llzeni! A story that makes no sense whatsoever? llzeni!! llzeni!! A man who so loves his son that he pumps him full of a prototype bio-mechanical weapon? llzeni!!

What? You don't understand gibberish? The movie studio thinks you do . . .

There has been a kidnaping. The victim is a young boy named Michael Gant. Law enforcement officers who may not be law enforcement officers -- no one is anything close to what they seem in this mess -- want rogue killer slash kidnaper Sever (Lucy Liu) alive. That's why they only shoot at her with the really, really big guns and whatever heavy ordinance (like bazookas) that they happen to have lying around. Cars fly through the air with the greatest of ease. Train Yards are conveniently filled with land mines. Sever displays the magical ability to transform stick weapons into machine guns with one slow motion spin of her long, luxurious hair and a blank stare that, in best Method Acting Form, delivers emotions that range from blank stare to really blank stare.

With dialong that makes no sense, offers no exposition, direction that doesn't match shot for shot Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever must rank as one of the best movies of the year. If you live in the ninth Circle of Hell

Except that this man, call him Robert Gant (Gregg Henry), doesn't really have a son. His name isn't Gant, either and his wife Rayne (Talisa Soto) isn't really his wife either, since she's married to Secret agent Ecks (Antonio Banderas) who saw her blown up in a car bomb seven years ago -- Rayne saw her beloved bomb out, too and, even though she knows that her hubbie isn't dead she marries this Gant dude anyhow and has his kid, though it isn't really his kid. And since director Kaos is fond of shooting as much of his work as possible in slow motion, we'll explain it in slow motion:

A. Really. Big. Explosion. Happens. A. Lot. Of. Times. Shot. In. Slow. Motion. From. The. Left. Side. From. The. Right. Side. From. Above. While. A. Stunt. Man. Falls. Ninety. Feet. Into. A. Car. Or. Is. Blown. Through. A. Window. And. Lucy. Liu. Tosses. Her. Hair. And. Stares. With. Attitude. SPINS. SEXILY. In. Her. Spandex. Produces. Bazooka. Out. Of. Thin. Air. Blows. Up. Motor. Vehicle. Everything. Around. Her. Walks. Away. Unscathed

Then, when Ecks -- we're never sure who is who or which is good or bad at any point whatsoever in this addled mess -- has the upper hand on another, EVERYONE THROWS THEIR WEAPONS AWAY and then STARES BLANKLY AT EACH OTHER and then FIGHTS HAND TO HAND.

Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever makm likin da saafsquishy doggie nummer twoo vas dein steppinna street kun not looking.

Yeah, we believe it. We believe that God is sitting up inthe Firmament laughing his Godly ass off at any fool dumb enough to pay cold hard cash to sit for this not even worthy of midnight madness disaster. But we've still got space to fill so........

HOW LUCY LIU LOOKS IN SPANDEX IN WORDS THAT RHYME WITH HER LAST NAME: ooo

HOW CRANKY RATES, ACCORDING TO HIS EX, AGAINST ANTONIO BANDERAS: Melanie, please return the phone call. I'm sorry, OK? Thank you.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Ten Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever, he would have paid . . .

$0.00

You know that ten bucks you'd spend on a ticket? Just send it to Cranky. We don't get paid enough to sit through crap like this.

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