cranky home
Reviews since 1993:   A-E     F-N      O-Z    Posters       Who We Are and Why We Do What We Do         Search the Site

Your Donations support the Site

Top Selling DVD     Books

50 Shades of Grey
Exodus Gods and Kings
Grand Budapest Hotel
Imitation Game, The
Into the Woods

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Theory of Everything
Ride Along
We're the Millers
The Great Gatsby
The Avengers
Amazing Spider-Man
Girl w/ Dragon Tattoo
Dark Knight Trilogy
World War Z
Happy Feet 2
Iton Man 3 combo
Batman Begins
Dark Knight
Fifth Element
The Hangover
Hunger Games
James Bond 11 disc coll.
Lord of the Rings trilogy
Mission Impossible GP
Sherlock Holmes AGOS
Singing in the Rain
Snow White Huntsman
Star Trek Into Darkness combo
Star Wars Saga
21 Jump Street
Ultimate Matrix coll
X-Men First Class
X-Men Trilogy
X-Men Wolverine

 BLU-Ray for Family DVDs 
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
A Bug's Life
Chronicles of Narnia set
Harry Potter 1-8 collection
Iron Man 2 combo
Kung Fu Panda
Lord of the Rings Trilogy Pinocchio
Pirates of Caribbean trilogy
Pixar short films
Shrek the Whole Story
Sleeping Beauty
The Smurfs
Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
Star Trek motion pictures set
Star Trek TNG Season One
Star Wars Saga (1-6)
Toy Story combo
Toy Story 2 combo
Toy Story 3 combo
Wall-E SE


Search engine by FreeFind
Click to add search to YOUR web site!
click to search site

Alice in Wonderland
Beauty and the Beast
Kung Fu Panda
The Lion King
Mary Poppins 45th LE
Princess Mononoke
Shrek the Whole Story
Simpsons Movie
Spider-Man Trilogy
Spirited Away
Star Trek movies set
Star Trek TOS (TV)
ST:TNG complete tv set
Star Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Toy Story DVD combo
Toy Story 2 DVD combo
Toy Story 3 DVD combo
Wallace and Gromit
Wall-E SE

Buy Movie collectibles
TV/Movie Collectibles

movie review query engine

NY film critics online

Privacy Policy

Click for full sized poster

Buy the Poster

Thirteen Ghosts

Starring Tony Shalhoub, Embeth Davidtz, Matthew Lillard, Shannon Elizabeth, Rah Digga and F. Murray Abraham
Screenplay by Neal Marshall Stevens and Richard D'Ovidio
Story by Robb White; based on the 1960 movie
Directed by Steve Beck

IN SHORT: As Beautiful to look at as it is Awful to sit through. [Rated R for horror violence/ gore, nudity and some language. 94 minutes]

Once upon a time, when we were teenaged, a typical Saturday night would involve getting blotto and going to the movies. When you're blotto, even bad movies look good and truly awful movies can sometimes approach the level of Art. That pretty much sums up to almost total waste of time that is Thirteen Ghosts. The producers must remember their Days of Being Blotto, for they've thrown zillions of dollars of production values at the screen and paid their script writer about a buck thirty seven.

The scenery chewing starts at scene one, in which a legion of heavily armed men stalk "something lurking" in an auto junkyard. The psychic Rafkin (Matthew Lillard) screams in pain as he uses his powers to locate the subject. His boss Cyrus Kriticos (F. Murray Abraham), climbs a stack of crushed chassis to avoid the spray from the tanker truck filled with blood that is laying out a scent for his hounds. Bodies fly. Humans die in visually impressive ways and we cut to...

Poor widower math teacher Arthur Kriticos (Tony Shalhoub) has two kidlets (Shannon Elizabeth and Alec Roberts) and a smart mouthed nanny (Rah Digga) on the payroll. A knock at the door reveals a sharply dressed lawyer bearing the news of an inheritance from an uncle he barely knows. There's an architecturally impressive glass house and a fortune to go with it. And a guy from the Power Company who looks suspiciously like Mr. Rafkin. Well, someone has got to explain the story to us dumbos in the audience!

Once in the house, though, the lawyer grabs his fee from a bag in the basement, gives the finger to a whole bunch of captured spirits -- not friendly spirits. Murderers. Suicides. Victims. Nasty spirits -- and splits. A huge machine of some kind moves all the doors around and our family finds themselves trapped. No way out. No way in. Except for a psychic residue liberator, Kalina (Embeth Davidtz) who found some way in ("I'll explain it to you later") and knew of Cyrus' evil plans. She's come to free the ghosts from their cages and prevent the machine from opening the "Eye of Hell". The way to do that involves the suicide of one of our remaining stars.

OK, stop and think about the logic of this. You've got a dozen plus ghosts in the basement, murderous thugs all, and this ditz wants to let them go free??? AND kill the star? Gee, d'ya think? Tony Shalhoub has saved many lousy movies in his career. Not even all his powers can save this thing.

It's not a good thing when the scenery is more interesting to look at than the performances in the filmstory. Everybody overacts. The story can't decide whether it wants to be simply stupid or confusing as, um, hell. While a couple of the murders are unique to our screenwatching experience, only one is truly spectacular. There's not enough gore to keep even the most rabid kidlets happy.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Nine Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Thirteen Ghosts, he would have paid . . .


'cuz as awful as this sucker is, and it is truly awful, it would be a great ride with another pair of killings . . . and if we had been totally Blotto.

amazon com link Click to buy films by Steve Beck
Click to buy films starring Tony Shalhoub
Click to buy films starring F. Murray Abraham
Click Here!

The Cranky Critic website is Copyright © 1995  -  2017  by Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer are Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.