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Freddy Got Fingered

Starring Tom Green; Marisa Coughlin, Rip Torn, Julie Haggerty and Harland Williams and Drew Barrymore
Screenplay by Tom Green and Derek Harvie
Directed by Tom Green

IN SHORT: "Freddy Got Fingered is perhaps the most important film about family ever made. It's a landmark in film... the best movie ever made and the finest moment in American Cinema." [Rated R for crude sexual and bizarre humor, and for strong language. 86 minutes]

The summary seen above is courtesy Tom Green, coincidentally the co-writer, director and star of the biggest waste of our time since a different movie studio tried to pass off Eyes Wide Shut as a completed project. We thought we were being clever when we mourned the death of civilization after getting a couple of laughs out of Tomcats. We were wrong. Freddy Got Fingered is, by far, one huge stinking, steaming turd of a movie without a single redeeming gutbusting gag in its entire length. Nothing has come close to inflicting the kind of utter boredom that Green has in his alleged comedy. Alleged is the correct. It took Four Thousand, Nine Hundred and Seven seconds to get any kind of laugh out of us. We clocked it (and that number is even less impressive when we note that the closing credits start their roll a mere forty seconds later).

Simply put, you the audience gets the finger.

Gord Brody (Green) is, as he mentions a dozen or so times during the movie, twenty-eight years old though he seems to behave with all the worldly knowledge of someone who is eleven. He takes almost everything said to him literally and lies through his teeth as a matter of course. Dad wants his boy to "follow his dream," so Gord leaves Portland, OR for Hollywood, CA and the hope of landing a job at Radioactive Animation and selling them a character called "X-Ray Cat". In the meantime, he has got a steady job making cheese sandwiches on an assembly line. All Gord manages to do, in these opening minutes, is demonstrate an obsession with penises or things in the shape of a penis and piss off Radioactive Animation prez Anthony Michael Hall and his secretary (Drew Barrymore).

The Prez correctly points out that X-Ray Cat is a character with no story, character development, or potential. It's plain ol' stupid. Rightfully calling himself a loser, Gord heads home to Portland, Oregon, determined to get inside an animal's skin -- the advice he got at Radioactive. Gee, there's a dead stag lying in the road. Gosh, Gord just happens to have a knife in his pocket. Golly Gosh look at all the innards spill out when he skins the animal to literally "get into his skin". Even this early in the story, we were wishing that Gord would stay dead when he got hit by a truck (a gag spilled in the teevee spot). If he had stayed dead we could have blinked twice and convinced ourselves that the entire experience was a bad dream. Or a bit of undigested beef. But no...

Back in his basement room, Gord draws his pictures, plays dress up in daddy's suits and lies to his parents (Rip Torn and Julie Haggerty) about his great job prospects. During his job seeking travels he manages to get a date with a secretary named Betty (Marisa Coughlin) who happens to be blonde with aspirations to be a rocket scientist. She's also in a wheelchair. She only wants sex. How she wants it is so incredibly repulsive to even those of us who like tweaking PC-noses (and our being disabled has nothing to do with disliking the alleged gag), that we wanted to walk out of the theater. We didn't think it could get worse, but we were wrong. Child abuse becomes fodder for a gag. So does childbirth. We just wanted to gag, period.

Harland Williams, a very funny actor, is cast in a very unfunny part in which various parts of his body get graphically bashed and broken for a laugh. That can be funny. It's been funny before but never when perpetrated on what would otherwise be a sympathetic character. Things are even worse for the blonde haired blue eyed kidlet next door, who has a fondness for running into doors and airplane propellers.

There's so little story in this monstrosity that we're not going to even try to figure out the continuity. One of the most talked about sequences, involving Tom Green's hand and the private parts of a stallion has been approved by whatever board makes sure that animals aren't abused in a film. In porno films, it's (usually) a much prettier actor "not abusing" the stallion. In this case, though, the horse doesn't have to do a money shot. So, if you're a thirteen year old boy about to do it to yourself, next time you get the urge, give Tom a call and he'll come running with his cameras to up the ante for Freddy 2. No, we take that back. There's no man walking the face of the earth carrying a bigger package than the elephant Green polishes off for the climax of his movie. To keep things sexually fair, he suckles on a cow for dessert.

We didn't think anything could be as stupid as the bits pulled for the television commercial but damned if we weren't wrong about that, too. We're going to be blunt about this: Nothing is sacred when it comes to comedy. Nothing. And nothing Green does is funny in this movie. Nothing. Nada. Zip. Less than Zero. The one laugh we got came from the message on a protest sign carried by an extra. Even the kidlets behind us who laughed at this thing walked out calling it "stupid".

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Freddie Got Fingered, he would have paid . . .


Someone should lock Tom Green in a room with a big blackboard and an even bigger piece of chalk and force him to write "I am not a funny person" over and over again. Until he gets it.

Or you can read how Green explains himself, in CrankyCritic® StarTalk.

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