cranky home
Reviews since 1993:   A-E     F-N      O-Z    Posters       Who We Are and Why We Do What We Do         Search the Site

Your Donations support the Site

amazon.gif
Top Selling DVD     Books

BLU-RAY DVDs:
50 Shades of Grey
Exodus Gods and Kings
Grand Budapest Hotel
Imitation Game, The
Into the Woods

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Robocop
Selma
Theory of Everything
Ride Along
We're the Millers
The Great Gatsby
Akira
Avatar
The Avengers
Amazing Spider-Man
Girl w/ Dragon Tattoo
Dark Knight Trilogy
World War Z
Happy Feet 2
Iton Man 3 combo
Batman Begins
Dark Knight
Fifth Element
The Hangover
Hunger Games
James Bond 11 disc coll.
Lord of the Rings trilogy
Mission Impossible GP
Sherlock Holmes AGOS
Singing in the Rain
Snow White Huntsman
Star Trek Into Darkness combo
Star Wars Saga
21 Jump Street
Ultimate Matrix coll
X-Men First Class
X-Men Trilogy
X-Men Wolverine

 BLU-Ray for Family DVDs 
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
Bambi
A Bug's Life
Cars
Chronicles of Narnia set
Coraline
Ghostbusters
Harry Potter 1-8 collection
Iron Man 2 combo
Kung Fu Panda
Lord of the Rings Trilogy Pinocchio
Pirates of Caribbean trilogy
Pixar short films
Ratatouille
Rio
Shrek the Whole Story
Sleeping Beauty
The Smurfs
combo
Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
Star Trek motion pictures set
Star Trek TNG Season One
Star Wars Saga (1-6)
Toy Story combo
Toy Story 2 combo
Toy Story 3 combo
Wall-E SE

OFCS

Search engine by FreeFind
Click to add search to YOUR web site!
click to search site

 DISNEY PIXAR DVDs
Alice in Wonderland
Bambi
Beauty and the Beast
Bolt
Cinderella
Coraline
E.T.
Kung Fu Panda
The Lion King
Mary Poppins 45th LE
Pinocchio
Princess Mononoke
Ratatouille
Rio 
Shrek the Whole Story
Simpsons Movie
Spider-Man Trilogy
Spirited Away
Star Trek movies set
Star Trek TOS (TV)
ST:TNG complete tv set
Star Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Toy Story DVD combo
Toy Story 2 DVD combo
Toy Story 3 DVD combo
Wallace and Gromit
Wall-E SE

Buy Movie collectibles
TV/Movie Collectibles

movie review query engine

NY film critics online

Privacy Policy

Luminarias

Rated [R], 100 minutes
Starring Evelina Fernandez, Marta DuBois, Diana Ortelli, Angela Moya; Scott Bakula, Cheech Marin, Robert Beltran
Screenplay by Evelina Fernández, based on her play
Directed by Jose Luis Valenzuela
website: www.sleepinggiantweb.com

IN SHORT: Feh.

Sometimes a movie with a minority cast will do big business, even if it's a real stinkeroo, because that minority will turn out to see their fellows on the screen. Such is the case with Luminarias, a histrionic stage play which has forgotten that moviemaking requires actors to turn it down a notch. Even though its stage production came first, Luminarias is a lowbrow Waiting to Exhale . . . and I didn't care for that poorly made flick either. If I wanted to watch incredibly negative Latina characters, I'd be popping a beer in front of MadTV. If I wanted to take it on the chin for being in the majority according to skin tone, then Luminarias would sure teach me a thing or two. This film is so focussed on, what I'm guessing to be, the rage of the Latina author that anyone outside with non-Hispanic origins is dissed. And so, for that matter, are non-Mexican Hispanics.

The film begins at the anniversary party of Andrea (Evelina Fernandez) and Joe (Robert Beltran of Star Trek:Voyager) at which Joe is caught swapping tongues with the blonde gringa hottie he's been doing on the side. Apparently he's done this many times before and Andrea boots him out of the house. Usually Joe comes back all respectful and apologetic. This time he wants a divorce.

So we've got four single Latinas who hang out at a restaurant called Luminarias, doing shots and and talking about looking for love. Besides Andrea, a divorce lawyer, there is Sofia (Marta Du Bois), a therapist, who likes white guys and is in such denial of her heritage that she barely speaks the language; Irene (Diana Ortelli) the clothing designer who likes her studs young and Latin (but has given up sex for Lent); and Lilly (Angela Moya), a visual artist, usually ends up with men who are most likely undocumented, unemployed and married.

Sofia, hoping to get her friend a taste of something exotic, fixes up Andrea on a surprise blind date with Jewish lawyer Joseph Levinson (Scott Bakula) -- who, unknown to Sofia, is handling the opposite side of a divorce case Andrea is working on. Andrea, as noted, doesn't like white guys, but a couple of shots of tequila, and the sight of her ex and his blonde, take care of that. Joseph finds himself introduced to Andrea's family, including cousin Jesus (Cheech Marin) and a pair of horny aunts. They're more excited about having a gringo in the family than Andrea seems to be.

It must be noted that only Bakula, Marin and Liz Torres (in a very minor role) know how to play to the camera. Everyone else is overacting so badly that many of the smaller stories -- the effect of the divorce on Andrea's son; Lilly facing the kind of discrimination the girls discuss and/or preach, because she's fallen in love with a Korean -- are overshadowed by weaker, lowbrow gags -- Irene's homosexual transvestite brother, for one. Regardless, every story turns sloppy sentimental as the play forces one happy ending on top of another.

On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price to Luminarias, he would have paid...

$0.00

Nothing shines about this thing.

Click Here!

The Cranky Critic website is Copyright © 1995  -  2017  by Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer are Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.