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Heavy Metal 2000
Directed by Michel Lemire and Michael Coldeway

Review by Eric Lurio.

Much of the success of a film is dependent on hype. Many a bad film has gotten a decent opening on the basis of hype alone. Lots of ads and licensed products flooding the market. This film is an example of what happens when there's lots of smoke and no fire.

Heavy Metal 2000 was supposed to come out years ago. The publicity campaign began years before it actually was screened for the public. The magazine's hype engine began back in 1997, the licensed products hit the market a year ago last spring, the movie special edition of the magazine last spring. The hype machine was chugging away like there was no tomorrow. The only problem was: No film.

Kevin Eastman, of "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" and publisher of Heavy Metal magazine has finally come up with it. I'm of two minds of this. Good adult animation is something which is sorely needed for the sake of the art of the cinema. You can do so much more cheaply for a hard core science fiction flick if it's a cartoon. Unfortunately, even a wonderfully animated one like this needs a decent story and interesting characters. Unfortunately, this doesn't have either.

The film begins with an explanation of how the evil Arakacians ruled the galaxy ages ago, and how they had the secret of immortality, until they were defeated and the source was locked away and the key, which drove you mad if you possessed it, was sent into space. Of course someone has to find it, and it's Lt.Tyler (Michael Ironside), the mining engineer, who does. He then kills his partner and orders the crew of the ship to go to the nearest planet, which just happens to be the beauteous world of Eden, which has been disguising itself under the chart designation Fakk2, or unfit for life. On Eden, we see Kerrie (Sonja Ball), a damsel soon to be in distress, taking a shower with her tits hanging out [they tend to do that during showers], while her sister Julie (Julie Strain) lands her spaceship in the back yard. Tyler and his crew of possibly unwilling astronauts, then swoop down for no real reason and start killing everyone and blowing stuff up. No one survived except Kerrie, who's been captured and Julie, who vows revenge. She and St. Germain (Pierre Kohl), a crew member who was kicked off the ship for being too kind hearted, head off in hot pursuit. Meanwhile.....

On the planet where the locked elixir of life is, Counselor Odin (Billy Idol), discovers a stone fellow named Zeek (Rick Jones), whose job is to warn the people that the key's been found. We then get lots of scenes of Tyler blowing stuff up, a sex robot and Julie beating up on St. Germain, while poor Kerrie is stuck in a cage wearing almost nothing and ogled by robots. The whole thing is dumb as hell. Then Julie loses her clothes and dresses in a red battle suit which...this is so dumb it almost hurts. The only redeeming feature of this piece of garbage is that we get to see lots of t'n'a and stuff getting blown up. If you get Starz/Encore, by all means tape it, but it really isn't worth staying up for a midnight show at a theater.

Cranky's note: Heavy Metal 2 was not released in theaters as the distribution contract required no worse than a [PG-13] rating. This movie delivered and [R] and so to cable and video it went.

The Cranky Critic website is Copyright © 1995  -  2017  by Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer are Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.