Archives: A
- E F - N O
- Z Posters Who
We Are and Why We Do What We Do
BLU-RAY DVDs
Batman Begins
Black Hawk Down
Blade Runner
Casino Royale
Dark Knight
District Nine
Defiance
Fast and Furious
Fast and Furious movies set
Fifth Element
The Hangover
Incredible HULK
Inglorious Basterds
Iron Man
Kill Bill 1 & 2
James Bond Ultimate ed v1James Bond Ultimate ed v2James Bond Ultimate ed v3
Julie & Julia
Moon
Public Enemies
Rambo box set
Silence of the Lambs
Sin City
This is Spinal Tap
Terminator
Terminator Salvation
Terminator 2
Top Gun
Total Recall
300
Transformers: Revenge of Fallen
Ultimate Matrix coll
Twilight
Underworld
Watchmen (dir cut)
X-Men Trilogy
X-Men Wolverine
BLU-Ray for family DVDs
Bolt
A Bug's Life
Cars
Chronicles of Narnia set
Coraline
Ghostbusters
Harry Potter & Chamber of Secrets
& Goblet of Fire
& Order of Phoenix
& Prisoner of Azkaban
& Sorcerers Stone
Ice Age/Alvin + Chipmunks set
The Incredibles
Jungle Book
Juno
Kung Fu Panda
Monsters Inc
Nightmare Before Xmas
101 Dalmatians
Pinocchio
Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy
Pixar short films
Ratatouille
Santa Clause
Santa Clause 2
Sleeping Beauty
Spiderwick Chronicles
Sleeping Beauty
Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
Star Trek motion pictures set
Star Wars Prequel Trilogy (1-3)
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Transformers SE
Wallace and Gromit
Wall-E SE
We're Kidlet Safe
Search engine
by FreeFind
click to search site
Now in Release:
Alice in Wonderland
An Education
Avatar
Blind Side, the
Brooklyn's Finest
Green Zone
How to Train Your Dragon
Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus
The Proposal
Red Clif
She's Out of My League
A Single Man
Waking Sleeping Beauty
DVDs on Sale:
An American in Paris
Batman
Begins
Blade
Runner
Blind Side
The Dark Knight
Day the Earth Stood Still
Die Hard collection 1-4
District Nine
Forrest
Gump
Gone
With the Wind
The Hangover
Indiana
Jones trilogy
Inglorious Basterds
Lord
of Rings trilogy
Ultimate
Matrix set
Monty
Python - Holy Grail
Moon
South
Park Movie
Star
Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star
Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Terminator Salvation
Up
Wall-E
Watchmen - Ultimate cut
Woodstock
X-Men
Trilogy
X-Men Origins Wolverine
DisneyPixar/family DVDs
Alice
in Wonderland
Bambi
Beauty
and the Beast
Beverly Hills Chihuahua
Bolt
Cinderella
Coraline
E.T.
Harry
Potter yrs 1-4 set
Harry Potter
& Chamber of Secrets
& Goblet of Fire
& Prisoner of Azkaban
& Sorcerers Stone
& Order of Phoenix
Kung Fu Panda
The
Lion King
Mary
Poppins 45th LE
Pinocchio
Ratatouille
Shrek Trilogy
Simpsons Movie
Spider-Man Trilogy
Star Trek movies set
Star
Trek TOS (TV)
ST:TNG complete tv set
Star Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star
Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Wallace and Gromit
Wall-E SE
Looney
Toons
Golden Age DVD
Volume
1
Volume
2
Volume
3
Volume 4
Volume 5
Volume 6
Rocky & Bullwinkle DVD
Season
1
Season
2
Season
3
Popeye the Sailor DVD
v.1 1933 - 1938
v.2 1938 - 1940
v.3 1941 - 1943
75th anniversary coll.ed.
Two Much
Starring Antonio Banderas, Melanie Griffith,
Joan Cusack, Danny Aiello, and Eli Wallach
Directed by Fernando Trueba
From Cranky's Book of Bad Movies. Chapter Two. Verse Much.
And the Money Men shall go to the Men in Suits and say, "Yea, we shall make a wacky kind of comedy full of Romance and Mistaken Identities, as they did in the Nineteen and Thirties."
And the Men in Suits shall say, "So Be It."
And Antonio Banderas shall play Arturo (Art) Dodge, dirtball who swindles widows out of their inheritances. He shall not want to do this, but his art gallery cannot make any money and he owes big. And lying shall come easy to him.
And Melanie Griffith shall play Betty, who lives on a planet which is not this Earth. And she shall fall for said Art, and they shall have sex and become engaged before the first Date.
And Betty shall have Darryl Hannah as Liz, her Protective and Intelligent sister. And Art shall fall for Liz and pretend to be his twin brother, Bart, and therewith court her. And she shall swoon.
For she, too, has cowflop for brains.
And there shall be a Car. And it shall be a classic, cobalt blue Mustang and it shall be smarter than all three main characters. It shall drive itself from location to location, making Cranky notice what would normally be called continuity errors. And it shall have a mutant healing ability power, like Wolverine of the X-Men, for it shall be smashed and rendered to scratchy little pieces while senile old men drive it. And then it shall be healed. And then it shall be smashed, again.
And Cranky shall look at his watch when he finally feels a laugh rise from deep within. And his watch shall say "You've been sitting here for an HOUR, Meathead."
And he shall sit in a seat that creaks very loudly in a theater with an audience that is far too quiet for a comedy.
And Cranky shall be self-conscious.
And Cranky shall change his seat.
And Cranky shall again look at his watch when he feels laughter arise. And it shall be an hour later.
And this bomb will not yet be over.
And Cranky shall not laugh at jokes about senility. And Cranky shall say "Shame on you, Eli Wallach, for taking such a part."
And Cranky shall wonder how the Devil Danny Aiello got sucked into this morass as well.
And Cranky shall wonder if that was indeed Fernando Lamas' kid in the wedding scene. And his head will Shake in Disbelief.
And Yea, though he would push the plunger on the new lo-flo toilet, and send Two Much to its final resting place, Cranky would mutter a quiet word of thanks for Vincent Schiavelli, as a wine steward who actually brought something to a thankless role. A very small role, but a grand relief.
On average, a first run movie ticket will run you Eight Bucks. Were Cranky able to set his own price for Two Much, he would have paid . . .
$0.00
Two Much was so bad, Cranky would have preferred to sit through Heat, again.
 |
Click to buy films starring Antonio Banderas |
| Click to buy films starring Melanie Griffith | |
| Click to buy films starring Joan Cusack |