why Cranky is in pain
Reviews since 1993:   A-E     F-N      O-Z    Posters       Who We Are and Why We Do What We Do     Contact    Search the Site

Your Donations support the Site

Top Selling DVD     Books

50 Shades of Grey
Exodus Gods and Kings
Grand Budapest Hotel
Imitation Game, The
Into the Woods

Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit
Theory of Everything
Ride Along
We're the Millers
The Great Gatsby
The Avengers
Amazing Spider-Man
Girl w/ Dragon Tattoo
Dark Knight Trilogy
World War Z
Happy Feet 2
Iton Man 3 combo
Batman Begins
Dark Knight
Fifth Element
The Hangover
Hunger Games
James Bond 11 disc coll.
Lord of the Rings trilogy
Mission Impossible GP
Sherlock Holmes AGOS
Singing in the Rain
Snow White Huntsman
Star Trek Into Darkness combo
Star Wars Saga
21 Jump Street
Ultimate Matrix coll
X-Men First Class
X-Men Trilogy
X-Men Wolverine

 BLU-Ray for Family DVDs 
Alice in Wonderland (2010)
A Bug's Life
Chronicles of Narnia set
Harry Potter 1-8 collection
Iron Man 2 combo
Kung Fu Panda
Lord of the Rings Trilogy Pinocchio
Pirates of Caribbean trilogy
Pixar short films
Shrek the Whole Story
Sleeping Beauty
The Smurfs
Snow White & 7 Dwarfs
Star Trek motion pictures set
Star Trek TNG Season One
Star Wars Saga (1-6)
Toy Story combo
Toy Story 2 combo
Toy Story 3 combo
Wall-E SE


Search engine by FreeFind
Click to add search to YOUR web site!
click to search site

Alice in Wonderland
Beauty and the Beast
Kung Fu Panda
The Lion King
Mary Poppins 45th LE
Princess Mononoke
Shrek the Whole Story
Simpsons Movie
Spider-Man Trilogy
Spirited Away
Star Trek movies set
Star Trek TOS (TV)
ST:TNG complete tv set
Star Wars Trilogy (1-3)
Star Wars Trilogy (4-6)
Toy Story DVD combo
Toy Story 2 DVD combo
Toy Story 3 DVD combo
Wallace and Gromit
Wall-E SE

Buy Movie collectibles
TV/Movie Collectibles

movie review query engine

NY film critics online

Privacy Policy

starring Pierce Brosnan
directed by Martin Campbell
theme song by Bono & The Edge; sung by Tina Turner
URL site: www.mgmua.com

IN SHORT: More of the same

Let us begin. The boss saw the film first and came into the office raving about it. $7.95 on Cranky's scale. Brosnan's a great Bond. The villain wasn't so great, but it was OK. I was pumped. I was ready. I laid out my eight bucks and waited for the lights to go down......

These are the things we have come to expect in a James Bond movie:

  1. A big, suspenseful, thrilling opening sequence
  2. A would be hit theme song over the title montage, filled with lots of naked women in the shadows.
  3. One car chase, if not two
  4. Bond with a girl
  5. Bond gambling, usually with one of the bad guys.
  6. A super-nefarious supervillain
  7. Bond with a another girl
  8. A scheme to destroy civilized life on planet earth as we know it
  9. Bond with a girl and almost getting killed with, because of, or protecting selfsame girl
  10. A monstrously large supervillain hi tech control center set, to be destroyed with huge explosions and fire and the gruesome horrible death of aforementioned supervillain, at the end of the movie.

And that great guitar riff on the James Bond Theme which I've been scatting out loud the last two weeks while waiting to see the new Bond, Pierce Brosnan, in Goldeneye. Everything you expect is there. Too bad. It's been six years since the last Bond and, to be quite honest, the series had been going stale. Timothy Dalton had the macho, hard-assed Bond down pat. But he failed in that he couldn't loosen up even a little. Moore was slick. Connery was.... well, he was Connery. He defined the character. Nothing since has come close. Except for Schwarzennegger in True Lies, but that wasn't a Bond movie, was it? Technically, no. Stylistically, you bet it was. Which is why I anxiously awaited Brosnan's crack at the Bond Franchise.

Franchise, in film terms, means "money machine." And in the six year fallow, there was a lot of speculation as to how the Producers Broccoli would invigorate the property. A Female Bond (Sharon Stone) was discussed. A Black Bond (Spike Lee!) was discussed. Mel Gibson and Liam Neeson were mentioned, but it was all a moot point. We all "knew" that Pierce Brosnan, who had been offered the role a decade ago, only to lose it when his NBC Remington Steel bosses messed up the deal (read the story elsewhere), would be the next Bond. It was time for Brosnan to take the role. He's perfect for the role.

It's too bad he has nothing to do. Yep, the 17th picture in the Bond Franchise is very much like the 16th and the 15th and the 14th and so on and so on. Except that the great guitar riff has been totally bowdlerized and is practically nowhere to be heard. The opening sequence is terrific. By the time it was done, I was so damned pumped I couldn't wait for the next scene. Which was the incredibly numbing new would-be-hit-theme song. And then a sort of car chase/ car race which goes on way too long. And then Bond gambles. Wrecks St. Petersburg, Russia with a tank. Takes a quick sex break. And then... well you know the rest. I and the rest of the paying audience sat there in silence. Bemused silence. Not bored, but not envigorated.

Remember, I wanted to cheer. I wanted to see Bond save the world. I wanted to see the bad guy die a horrible, screaming bloody death. And I kept waiting and waiting and waiting. And when the credits started to roll at the end, I went running for the bathroom, cuz I just couldn't wait anymore. I was terribly disappointed. The villain died a bloody horrible death. The big set blew up. So what?

Desmond Llewellyn returns as "Q" to perform one of the, as always, delightful sequences. Judi Dench is delightful as the new "M", a hard ass who doesn't particularly care for 007. The women were beautiful. The weapon was world threatening, but the nefarious supervillain was more like a Marvel Comics character -- always getting killed but never dying. Kind of like Stavro Blofeld. No thrills. No chills. No real suspense. In short, you've seen it before, and you'll probably see it again in two years if business remains as usual.

How is Brosnan as Bond? He's got the looks. He's got the possibilities, no question about it. But he has NOTHING TO DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He drives a car. He drives a tank. He blows up a train. Business as usual. Cranky advises the Producers Broccoli -- please write a story. Keep it dangerous. Keep it sexy. Don't keep it the same as Bond #12 or #11 or #10 and so on and so forth. And put the title sequence to rest -- only three maybe four of the theme songs have been any good, IMO. Goldeneye is not a waste of time. It's the same old Bond film. Maybe the next one will be better. A man can only hope.

So, on the Cranky Critic's movie rating scale of one to eight bucks -- eight being what it costs to see a movie here in New York -- your humble servant rates Goldeneye at


which usually means wait for the rental -- but you should really see Bond on the big screen. Really. I am sooooo disappointed.

Click to buy Bond films starring Pierce Brosnan
Click to buy Bond films starring Timothy Dalton
Click to buy Bond films starring Sean Connery
Click to buy Bond films starring Roger Moore

The Cranky Critic® is a Registered Trademark of, and his website is Copyright © 1995  -  2016   by Chuck Schwartz. Articles by Paul Fischer are Copyright © 1999 - 2006 Paul Fischer. All images, unless otherwise noted, are property of,©, ®, their respective studios and are used by permission. All Rights Reserved. Not to be used or copied for any commercial purpose. Academy Award(s) and Oscar®(s) are registered trademarks and service marks of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences.